Saturday, August 15, 2009

confessions of an infertile

So the past few days I've really been debating hard about writing the post. I knew I had it in my mind but just couldn't write it out. I just need a little inspiration for God or something to want to share it. Welp this morning I woke up and there it was. My inspiration you ask, an email on my phone saying "The Bump: Week 14." As you all know about 12 weeks ago or so Dalyn and I found out the wonderful news that we we're expecting our first child. What an unbelievable, unexplainable gift from God. But sadly just a few shorts weeks later our reality came crashing in that there was no baby growing there. Now today it's been 14 weeks since our last infertility treatment and well everyday that it gets closer to AF showing up I dread it more and more. When we first decided to have a D&C and I was so ready to move forward with more treatments. And now that the time is getting closer and closer to start, I'm getting farther and farther away from wanting to. I don't know why exactly but I think it could amount to a whole handful of reason. . . .
  1. Needles
  2. Meds
  3. Ultrasounds
  4. Failure
  5. Fear of Pregnancy Again
  6. Being constricted to this area for all but 2 weeks a month
  7. More failure.
  8. And more failure
  9. Having to resort to IVF, a final effort
  10. And more failure

just to name a few. I really don't think it's one reason in particular, I think just everything builds up and then I continue to dread it more and more. Now don't get me wrong, this doesn't change the fact that I want a child of my own more than anything else in this world. Because believe me I still do.

So what's the resolution? We haven't really decided for sure yet. I really have this strong conviction in my heart that if God wants us to have a child, he will provide it for us whether through IUI, IVF or naturally. I think that whatever means we take to get pregnant it will be in His time. So with that being said we've decided to take it month to month. This month we're going to try naturally and if it happens it was meant to be and if not we'll access where we are next month. I think it seems to be what works best for us at this place in our lives and infertility journey.

Please pray for Dalyn and I and the decisions we are having to make and face. Obviously I think neither one of us ever thought we'd be here but then again who does. Please pray that it will be God's time and that he will bless us with a the true miracle of life.

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